Thinking on a night of clouds.

Well its wednesday night and im just sitting here listening to music..thinking about..well basically everything.The day is fast approaching..i can either choose to leave with my mom and sis on the 25th or stay with my dad and go on the like 30th..either way thats..what..3 weeks.I dont know what it is but..i want the day to come..i want it to just be here so i dont have to sit and wait for it..anticipate its arrival and watch as it tears people apart and tears my life apart at the seams.I mean i dont want to move at all but a part of me is like..well maybe its for the best..maybe everything will pan out and be ok..itll all be alright as long as i keep to the positive.Its not like ill never see my friends again..i mean alot of them have webcams,as do i,and ill visit like all the time and stuff like that its just..i dont know its one of those things thats hard to explain.I just hope that once im there i can actually have a relationship with Danny..like..see him and stuff..not just like talk on the computer or phone.Sometimes that flickers into my head that maybe it wont work out..maybe itll blow up in my face and itll suck..alot and ill be stuck im my own little world,constantly thinknig about how my life is..homely.Im always looking at guys at school,ones i have crushes on obviously,and thinking what it would be like to be in a relationship with them..maybe thats my problem..i think too much about that stuff and that im digging myself into a collosal hole of dispair and lonelyness.Thats usually my problem sometimes..i think too much..i sometimes over analyze the smallest things..trying to find some hidden meaning to it or what its philisophically means.But all i know is that its fast approaching,the day of demise,and i dont know how ill react when it happens..and how my reaction will effect my friends reactions.

Longing and Bothersome behaviour

Well schools tomorrow..blah!I really dislike school nowadays..dont know what it is but its..bothersome i guess you could say.I dont know why but it is and i dont like it at all.Iam totally obsessed with the song Teardrops on my Guitar by Taylor Swift,it is so beautiful and i just love it so much!I like that song and Our song by Taylor..theyre both really good.Oh for my bday i got a new digital camera!It is so kick a!I love it!!Im kinda meh right now..mostly cuz my Danny is in Clevland..hes getting back today but i havent talked to him yet which sucks but hopefully soon cuz i miss him:(Well that should be it for now..did i mention i dislike school..i hope so cuz its so very true!

Partay Time:P

Ya its just a few mins before my partay is set to begin!!WOOT!..well it probably wont be that fun..we'll just watch some movies..hang..goof off lol.but i just came to write this..oh someones ehre already damn them!lol

A Day in Celebration of Me:)

Well today is the most glorious day in the history of glorious days..ITS MY BDAY!!!GO ME!!Its my sweet 16 lol man i cant believe its already here like it hasnt been any time at all!Times flying by so frggin fast..but back to a more interesting subject..ME!I got cookies made for me by Jillian and Hailey made me a very awesome cookie..cake..thing..it had icing and it was awesome and it led into Alicia telling my about when she made a giant cookie thing that was shaped like a penis..it was fun:)I really dont wanna present my music thing tomorrow cuz its really embaressing and that sort of nonsense either way its gonna suck but i might not be going to school anyways cuz my sister like fell yesterday and hurt her like tailbone and she can barely walk so im gonna see if shes able to stay home.Oh and im having my party on Saturday and its gonna be bitchin!We're gonna probably just watch movies and goof off like usual lol But besides that my week is gonna be boring lol.

Musical Appendages:)

Well im at home and im with Alicia,Michelle,and Cody and we're recoring our fantabulous musical.Theyre currently reading all my notes and commenting on them..yes my personal life read aloud by my noisey friends!Today was amusingly fun because of so many things i cant even remember why but it was hilarious..oh i remember!!!It was something that happened from American Dad "He was born from the Hell spawn of a whore and a slut" lol i was crying laughing so hard!!!Anywyas i better go and stop them from reading them any further!

A Labyrinthine Diamond hunt

Well its a monday and its Victoria day which means i dont have school and its my moms birthday!Well i have a heftilly(ya dont know if that makes sense) couple of days ahead i mean my dad is flying to Ontario for my grandfathers funeral so itll be me,my brother and my sister.I have to get my sister up,get her ready for school,take her to the bus stop,go to school come home get her from the neighbours,makes supper,get her to do her homework then get her to bed...ya im sure there a connection between all;Me.My brother will be working most of the time so itll basically be me doing everythnig as usual and what sucks even more is that i have a musical to film at my house during the next..two days i believe and that sucks cuz my birthday is on wednesday..oh heres a nice present a crap load of work.I mean its bad enough that everything seems to keep going downhill and my grandfather didnt mean to die but its all so..why know?i mean at one of the most stressfull times in my life so far and all this happens and i know it sounds selfish but im almost never selfish..im actually the opposite alot of the times..a pushover.But i should probably stop complaining now and talk about something else..like yesterday.Well yesterday was pretty good..i woke up at like..12 then went on the comp and talked to Danny and Chels then went grocery shopping and then came home,ate and watched Pans Labyrinth,which was really good except it was brutally gorey which i didnt like but i liked it otherwise,then i watched Blood Diamond which was really good too but part way through we stopped it so i could watch Family Guy which was hilarious as usual.That was basically my evening.

Ya im right tired..like my eyelids are like slowly falling down.Im just talkin to Chels and my Danny boi on msn but im gonna head off soon cuz im so tired..i dont know why cuz i slept in till like 12 so meh i dont ask questions i just know im tired lol.

Friday revelations

Well its friday which is awesome-tastic and what makes it better is the fact that im at home cuz i have the day off!!!YAY!I now have a five day weekend!I m so happy about it..but yet i still have nothing to do which is saddening.Hopefully ill go to Michelles tomorrow and help out with there wicked yardsale!lol.I think im an addict..i mean im so obsessed with facebook(thats probably not what you expected me to say).I dont even know why tis so addictive..but it is and its so friggin awesome!Y'all should get it its so kool..i think ive mentioned that lol.But anyways i just stopped by to say that.

A stomach tumbling notion

Im at home right now cuz i feel intensly sick like in the...up-chuck kinda way.I tried to go to sleep but that didnt help cuz id keep rolling onto my stomach and have that...blah feeling lol.Well im so totally pissed at the outcome of American Idol last night..i mean Melinda Doolittle got voted off!Probably the best singer they had and she got voted off.Well its now between Blake Lewis and Jordin Sparks..Jordins obviously gonna win..shes much better but id rather see Melinda in the finals...so now im miffed and im not gonna watch the finale cuz im that bitter lol.

A hYpEr KiNd Of AcTiViTy

Well its 9 days until my birthday and Carly's,a girl in my class, we randomly found out we have the same bday..it was exctiing lol.Im kinda hyper for no apparent reason im like just all like akfjbruighroign....i hope that was understandable!Ya see im right the hyper lol that didnt even sound like it made sense but oh well its already written and i dont feel like pressing backspace to change it.Well in music class we have to write and perform a musical and it should be right awesome i mean c;mon we're doing disney songs cuz ya thats how we roll..and by we i mean me,alicia,michelle and cody.Im gonna be singing "Reflections" from Mulan lol its gonna be awesome.Im apparently writing the script so it should be the best part besides my solo lol.But hopefully itll be good enough to keep my awesomely high mark of like 96 :P take that alicia lol.Ya i might as well stop for now cuz that was basically it i mean i have no life lol.

Anger For A Saturday Treat

Well its saturday and im still in my crappy mood and the day didnt help it at all.I really cant understand how my dad bitches and complains about how we dont have enough money to pay the bills but he goes and buys an ipod and new shoes along with my moms mothers day gift.Like next time he bitches about it im just gonna go 'oh didnt you just buy an ipod you twat!?' and like everyone got some sort of thing while we were out and what did i get..oh ya the bag it all came in.I mean i dont know what it is but im apparently the unliked child and my sister is the spoiled ass.Its aggrevating at times..well all the time like its just..urrghh im supossed to be the 'mature one' but my sisters a bitch and its just i hate them so much at times and then other times theyre tolerable at best.I honestly cant wait till im on my own..away from them and away from all the family crap which i cant stand.Well im just pissed so im gonna stop for now.

my friday mood.

Well im in right the weird mood now..i dont know what it is i mean i had a hilariously good time today and stuff and i was all happy-go-lucky and then i got home and i was like right..blah.I mean its probably just one of those times where everything is just sinking in more and more until its burrowed its way into my head.I mean like the only guy ive like ever liked,Dna as his code name is,and we now live like 19 hours away and will soon be like..2 hours away and thats still like..comforting but..how will we see each other and will anything happen and...theres so many things!!*sighs*its all so perclepting,and that is a word i know it lol,i mean i wish we could be together...i could hug him..and have him hug me back and we just stand there in each others arms and the more i think about that the more i want it and the more i get all..in this mood.The more virtual msn hugs i give him the more i want the real ones and the more i feel alone and that sucks alot..majorly!Hopefully it'll all round out in the end...but it most likely wont knowing the craptastic luck i have and all the messed up stuff that seems to happen to me and all this stuff!But besides waiting for that the only other thing im waiting for is my eyebrow to heal so i can change the barbel to a snazey black one!But ya ill end it there for tonight cuz im a little tired and i think i need sleep to get this crappy stuff out of my mind so i leave it at that.

Words of thought and change

Well tomorrow my birthday will be in two weeks..so i guess that makes today a day and two weeks before my bday.It is a beautiful day today i mean the sun is shining,its like 20 degrees celcius and there is that perfect breeze that ties the whole excellence together.Today was interesting..especially the first class today...it was a...touchy conversation.We were originally talking about the book "Lord of the Flies" and we were taking notes on the nature of man throughout the novel and my teacher was saying how the author believes that everyone has that piece of evil in them its whether they have the sense to keep it locked or not..whether they know it or not and whether they choose to be evil or not.Well this went into a kid whispering 'gay' and of coruse she caught it and was saying "Like (person) has so inately mentioned..do homosexuals know they are that way or is it just kind of forced onto them" and a girl in the class was saying how her cousin knew that he was gay every since..well like forever.Well this kinda made me all nervous cuz well im gay and stuff and only like my closest friends know and stuff so i just felt myself getting really..uncomfortable and 'hot under the collar' because there are some people in the class who are..well..they arent very gay friendly people.And the whole conversation made me think about it and i realized it..that ive known like since i was little that i was different..not in like appearance or..the way my family was..but me..who i was..like who my friends are which were all girls except for like a few guys.I mean like i was always thinking 'what is it..what makes me different from the next guy' and then i realized when i was sitting next to a classmate in like..the 5th grade i just thought to myself 'whoa..hes...hes cute' and it was then i was like..thats what it is..thats why im different.It feels kind of..opressing to have people say 'oh gay people should be shot' or other stuff like that and its just like..i feel afraid to tell people that im gay i mean...it makes thing alot more difficult..i mean its not that i want to be straight or anything because well ive found an amazing guy and i dont think id be able to find that if i was straight.I mean most people find the talk of gay people touchy,others think nothnig of it..like they are the openminded people who could care less if youre gay or straight or bi its just about you..and then there are the people who think that it is morally and ethically wrong to be gay.Alot of the times its men who are homophobes...im sure they would enjoy some big-boobed blondes going at it..its the same thing as two guys...i mean theyre just..i dont even know what.I mean its not like im some dancing fairie,sprinkling glitter around,blonde highlights and french tips..like i like to play sports...im intellectual..i mean i admit at times i can be 'gay' according to the stereotype(sp) but you know at times i couldnt care less and other times im just like 'oh god i wish that didnt happen'.But the whole thing is stupid i mean the whole whether or not gay people should be aloud to get married is a bunch of bs!Basically what theyre saying is that a man and a woman who cant even stand each other have more of a right to get married then two men/woman who love each other and would do anything for the other.Like if you have a problem with same-sex couples..dont get into a relationship with someone of the same-sex..there..ends that.I wish that the world wasnt as messed as it was..that i could live my life with the person that i love and would do anything for instead of being worried 'are they gonna figure out im gay' or 'i hope everyone wont hate me if i tell them' but a wish is a wish and it will probably never come true unless the facts are shown that like the small comments hurt people..that most teens commit suicide because they were made fun of for being gay and that you can get AIDS if youre straight.Its just screwed up that people think all this crappy stuff...i mean and they have no..empathy for gay people that have to go through this suffering..i mean teenagers wanting to die because of this..disgusting slander that people spew into the air.Thats what the government should be shown..pictures of teenagers suicides to show how severe this issue is..i mean it wont end all the homophobia but hopefully it will open the eyes of many people and reveal that its not like gay people are aliens and have corrosive acid for blood..theyre..well we're human beings and it hurts just as much if you make some reference to a 'faggot' or 'fairey' as if you were called a 'fat pig' or 'ugly monster'.People should just try and make the realization that ya theyre gay but theyre the same..i mean im always me and people still like me..but if i told them that im gay im sure,in their eyes, i would morph into some hideous being.My final not i guess would be that dont judge people just because they like someone of the same-sex cuz thats much worse then judging someone on how they look...it has the same effect as racism has on people..its the same prejudice actions and we made most racism go away i think we should try and rid the world of this other disgusting prejudice;Homophobia.

sunday reasonings.

Well im just sitting here..listening to Mary J Blige and chatting with my bestest bud,Dan.Well i have to go around 2 today because there is an open house so i gotta go..i dont know where but just out apparently.I also found out like the exact day im leaving which sucks but hey at least ill be prepared for it and not have the day come and fiund out then thats when im leaving but either way it sucks..alot.Im still trying to get ahold of blogging whenever i get that..talking feeling but ive been donig good so far:)so go me!

Ya i randomly came by this in my youtube trips and i love it!Patti is so amazing!

Ya i love this video its probably one of Kelly Clarkson's best.

random thoughts

Well im like..i dont really know..im bored and kinda sad and a little irritated.I dont know..it must be everything like all the stuff thats happened and the stuff that seems to be happening..i cant really catch a solid break.I mean its just one heart wrentching thing after the other..whether its with my friends or relatives or just life in general..it seems to be going to hell in a handbasket.Ya everyone is bummed about me moving and iam too and stuff but..i dont know..theres also a part of me that kinda wants to go..and i really dont like that im feeling that but its there and i shouldnt ignore it..or should i?..i dont know.Im always saying to everyone that 'you should be honest and stuff cuz you'll feel better' but at the same time im being so hypacritical i mean im not honest all the time and i know it..and my closest friends know it too.Id like to just go 'alright heres everything..its all out in the open..its me' but it'd be harder than it sounds..i mean revealing all myself to everyone is one of those things thats like either soul shattering or inspiring and uplifting and i dont know which one it would be for me.Anyone who's in this posiion knows what im talking about..and almost everyone is in this situation and it sucks and people dont realize that it does they look and say 'whoa what a happy person' but thats just one of those masks that im able to put on so i dont hurt anyone with my emotions.Im like right now im so..mixed up on the inside..i mean so many emotions tugging at me and trying to escape no matter what it takes for them to be free and sometimes id like to give into them.I mean i help people with their problems and when they ask if im alright i do the usual 'oh ya of course im fine' when im not..not at all.Sometimes i think my friends are intune and know that im lying and we have a big 'tell all' but then other times i seem to be so good at hiding my feelings that they think im fine.Im not saying that they are bad friends cuz that would be a total lie cuz they are so awesome and stuff but you know its just one of those feelings i get and that i put away to tear at me.Im also losing site of the stuff that i used to love doing..like writing...i used to love pulling out my story and writing like a whole 20 page chapter but now its like i find it..bothersome and challenging and i dont know why..its the same way with drawing..i was so full of ideas and now..nothing..just an empty expanse of..nothing.Ive found myself not wanting to talk to people on the computer..and would just rather sit and do nothing..listen to music but i want people to acknowledge me and stuff so its just amazingly messed up and twisted and id really prefer if i didnt have to feel that.Oh and if you want a good song to listen to when youre feeling like..crappy like this listen to The best is yet to come by SR-71..its really good and true.Ill end it here for now cuz thats all the stuff that has seemed to get out.

This is like slightly old news..like..from a couple days but i got my eyebrow pierced!yay!go me!im so sexy!lol ya most people like it then others are..well...lets not refer to them cuz ya they suck lol.It like didnt hurt at all..it only kinda stung a bit..but besides that it didnt hurt..and thats coming from me,someone who stubs their toe and is like in tears.

whoa first blog!

Ya ive had like other blogs..like myspace and on my website..but this is like..official!?Thanks Alicia..i probably wouldnt have signed up for this had it not been for youre fantastical blog:PIm gonna try and do this frequently...cant promise anything lol.